It’s winter here in Australia. Which means it’s cold. Well… I mean, not snow covered streets
cold. Or ice rinks in the middle of the
city cold. Or thirteen layers of
clothing cold. But cold. Unless you’re in Darwin where it’s 32 degrees
today (or 90 Fahrenheit). But… it’s also
32 degrees there in the middle of summer, winter, spring and autumn. So that doesn’t count.
But here in Melbourne, it’s 10 degrees at the moment or 50
Fahrenheit. So that’s cold. But as cold as that is, I’m kind of excited
because… I have a mission. Now, it’s not
a regular mission and I probably won’t get an award. In fact, I will get chastised, but
nevertheless I’m looking forward to it.
Because as cold as the night is, and as dark as the streets are, and as
chilly as that winter wind blowing through the trees feels – I have to go out. To do some shopping.
That’s right – I have been told by my wife that we need
cheese, biscuits, milk, cupcakes, some apples and bananas and a big bag of
crisps. Well, actually that bag of
crisps wasn’t on the list, but I’m improvising.
It should take 15 minutes I’ve been told.
And let me tell you, I love going shopping at night. Because, you see, being married with kids,
means it’s like for the first time in the day, I get some ME time. And not to mention how extremely cool it is to
find a parking instantly! Yup, back to
my bachelor days. The days where I’d
cruise the aisles of the local supermarket, looking for the ready to cook meals
where all you do is peel the plastic back and stick it in the microwave for 7
minutes. I was pretty good at those. So here I am again, strutting my stuff
through the multi-coloured aisles, feeling like a reeeeeeeeeal man – oooooooo look! A special on dish-washing liquid!
But you see, as I scan the list of things that I need to
buy, I soon realise that it isn’t quite as easy as I thought it would be. A few things for my wife equates to about a
trolley load for me. And what is up with
the different kinds of soy milk? I
thought soy or not, but it turns out there’s soy lite and soy heavy. Milky soy and creamy soy. Soy which tastes like milk and soy that
tastes like almonds… or is that almond milk?
Soy for weekends and soy for weekdays.
And as I stand in the aisle staring at the multitude choices, I remark smugly
to the person next to me that technically it shouldn’t be called soy milk at
all, since it’s not even milk.
Unfortunately, people who go late night shopping don’t seem to
appreciate the intricacies of conversations of the types of milk – or any
conversations at all really.
And after phone call thirteen to my wife, I finally establish
the one I’m supposed to get. But then it
comes to biscuits – and this is where it gets tricky, because I have to ask
myself the question the men who do late night shopping ask every time. Are the chocolate biscuits in the chocolate
aisle or in the biscuit aisle? Luckily
with technology, we have now have smartphone apps for supermarkets. So most of the time when you see people
walking around staring at the phones, it’s not because they’re on Facebook, it’s
because they’re looking for the right aisle to find what they’re looking for.
Then there’s the fruit section which we can clearly see has
been designed with a target female audience in mind. Because every time I take one of those silly
packets, I spend the next ten minutes trying to open the bloody thing! I’m rubbing my two fingers, trying to pry it
open with my car keys, not even knowing if I’m attempting to do it on the
proper side. I even try stabbing a hole
in it then pulling it apart that way. Finally when I do manage to get it open,
I see some lady walk by, grab a bag and open it effortlessly! What is their secret??
Then there’s the specials I see lined across the aisles,
like that packet of cherry flavoured coffee. It’s true we don’t need it or like it, but if
I just buy 18 packets, I get the 19th free! What a deal!
Men are far more logical than women.
And another thing I take personal pride in is that I always look at the
price per 100g price. I will be making
sure that I get the most bang for my buck!
Then there’s those wonderful self-serving checkout, which I
personally like, because any situation where you don’t have to talk to people
is a win. However, since all the regular
checkouts are closed, it becomes a logistical nightmare when you have more than
three items! Because there’s no space! And every time I move a bag to make more
space, an alarm starts blaring.
But you see we men can be quite skilful at shopping, and not
many people are able to turn a 15 minute shopping session into an hour and a
half. Of course, when I do make it home,
I get told that’s not the brand the kids like, or what was I thinking getting
this one? And why did I get 19 packets
of cherry flavoured coffee. My
persuasive argument on specials was clearly not hitting the mark.
But despite the trauma, I’m able to sit back and enjoy those
few fleeting moments where I was once again a man’s man. Where I was in charge. When I made the decisions. Where I decided - what’s that?? Oh no!
We’re out of sugar!
